Are You Ready for It?…

“You should write a book.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard that… let’s be real, a dollar doesn’t get you much now adays. So even if it’s been 150 times, I am only getting a few staple items at the Sam’s Club.

I love writing. I love connecting with others through writing. I love slowing down my brain and the intentionality. I appreciate being able to go back to relive a moment in time through my writing. In a blink, my kids have gotten so big. It is easy to forget the details. Over the years, I have shared on FB real thoughts about parenting, teaching, foster care & adoption, and life. Most of the time my setting is on private. One post that wasn’t was shared with thousands, and it was cool to see how my words, written during a really challenging time, connected with others when I read the DMs they sent. I’ve been so grateful for the encouragement from the people who will always read my inappropriately long posts and comment.

For the one post I would feel led to put on FB, I may have written 100 times in my writer’s notebook about other things. Sometimes I would try to put my ideas in categories and find purpose in it. What am I supposed to share from this? Mostly that felt overwhelming, because it wasn’t one idea. I can’t make it all fit neatly into a box. I started a blog in 2023, shared the information with no one, and made one post. Something about it didn’t feel right.

I tried to keep my personal life separate from my professional world, but that doesn’t feel right, either. As a therapist there are so many times it would be helpful for the client if I shared a personal story during a session, but the 53 minutes already go by so quickly, so I try to keep this to a minimum. It would be so helpful if when I shared a referral with a parent or client to be able to say, “here is a post that details my experience with them if you want to take a look.”

In my head now the plan for this blog is that it will be a space to share real stories that are helpful to other people. Teacher-me also wants to express & create, and this part of me feels led to provide resources and support for mental health to my clients and also those without a therapist, friends, strangers, whomever. A huge part of me becoming a therapist was due to the lack of accessibility to services. There are still so many barriers to getting the support you need. I am not trying to provide therapy on this platform (aka put my license in jeopardy), but rather incorporate my background in teaching & coaching and the insane amount of hours I spend deep-dive researching & learning to synthesize all of this information and provide it to you in a way that can be of support.

I have a lot of personal experience (myself and as a mom) having benefitted from unconventional, non-traditional interventions that often moved us outside of the traditional, western medical model approach to healing. All of these opportunities came through a lot of research, advocacy, connecting with the right people, taking the next step, not settling, trusting myself, listening to God, and a pushing towards healing for myself and my family even when I didn’t know all the steps to get there or if it was really possible.

I need to go ahead and be transparent from the beginning, there are a few things that have completely held me back in moving forward with my writing. However we want to classify it (childhood wounds, Rejection Sensitivity Disorder, Social Anxiety, etc.), I am not a fan of putting myself out there (huge understatement) for opinions and unkind words and the ick of it all. I don’t do things for attention. I don’t want to be noticed. So much so I wore a pink shirt the other day and both of my girls noticed at different times and commented, as that was a very bold color choice for me. Yuck- attention.

Being neurodivergent and enduring many years of trauma I’ve worked through, I have always known I do not fit in this world. I have spent way too much time pretending or trying to. My answers don’t match the norm. Give me a multiple choice test and unless complete joke choices are included I can explain and defend how nearly each of the answers could be right. I pay attention to things no one else notices, and I miss the part everyone saw. Being told my entire life that I am concurrently “too much” and “never enough” was so confusing. Enduring snarky comments made about the length of a post because people can’t slow down enough to read anymore.

I don’t want to expose myself to unkindness. And then the conversation I have with God continues and though I plead to be small and invisible, He reminds me that is not how He wired me, and He has moved past the gentle-push and more so has had to turn it into a swift (but doesn’t hurt)-kick-to-the-@$$ of “I am really over telling you. I have shown you your next steps, and we are done stalling.” I don’t like being in the space of disobedience and not walking in my purpose and calling. It doesn’t feel good. And if I stay there, I will miss my blessings and the opportunity to help others. This all feels worse than the potential of interacting with mean people.

Last point that has made writing hard- many of the people closest to me who should have my back, don’t. They prey on real or perceived moments of weakness they think I have had. Their words are incredibly unkind. Some are direct. Others work under the guise of gossiping through the “let’s pray for her” model. I put up with way more than I should have for way longer than I should have, but (the problem or blessing, depending on how you see it is) when you keep moving forward in healing, you can’t go back to the way things were. So what makes it hard about putting myself out there ties back to the thought that if the people who “love you the most” say such horrible things about you, what will strangers say? My logical brain knows probably nothing as bad as they have done/this isn’t really a big risk, but it still makes this very hard.

Which ties into Katt Williams. 15 months ago I sat in awe listening to his interview with Shannon Sharpe. I am not a huge fan and who knows what rabbit trail I went down to find that, but I could not stop listening. I love authenticity. Complicated for me, but one of my top 2 in core values (faith the other). This man was unapologetically speaking his truth. I was so here for it.

There is a meme that went around after this interview, but let me disclaimer this- I am a huge fact checker. I like to cite my sources. I have watched this interview multiple times. Did I black out during this part? I can’t find it. Katt if you read this and if you want to just drop me a voice memo saying it so I can say it’s an actual quote, please do (my number is back on the main page). So I am not sharing this as an actual quote (and I am fighting the part of me that says “let’s listen one more time so you really know if it’s there or not.”).

The (maybe not real) meme said: “If you wanted me to speak more highly of you then perhaps you should have treated me better… You don’t get to narrate my story of my experiences with you.” His words or not, his authenticity in that interview was inspiring. Whoever wrote them, these words hit me like Narcan. I have never been able to completely find a way to balance authenticity without hurting folks’ feelings and making them look bad. I am a peacemaker (is it more conflict-avoider?…), just learning last week I am an Enneagram 9. Even if I am just telling my story and leave out the other characters, you can see their impact (or lack there of) and it doesn’t always look pretty. Because it wasn’t. It isn’t. And this is what I have struggled with. As unkind as they are to me, I still try to protect people.

I have always had confidence and have known my worth. I would have truthfully said I loved me. But it’s like we just unlocked some hidden world on a video game I didn’t know I was playing, and it’s time to level up. My love for me grew just a little bit more and that light (love) shining in me, a bit brighter, put their needs in a shadow. I don’t fear the repercussions. The last 6 months of not talking have brought me such peace. What was I scared of?

I have continuously and consistently done healing work since first seeing this posted January 2024. That wasn’t my starting point, I just mean a lot has happened since that time. I am not 100% healed in the areas I need to be to be able to throw up 2 middle fingers and say exactly what I want to say. Maybe one day soon. But I am putting this message on here now for any of my haters.. I mean family members… wanting to creep on my page, you’ve been warned. Some of ya’ll are already 10 seconds away from full no contact, so I suggest you don’t come for me, or at least pause and think that through first.

I can’t even imagine if I read this first post for a therapist I was vetting, but then again how refreshing could it be? I am okay knowing I am not for everyone. I do hope you decide to join me on this journey, but if this is your stop, thanks for reading today.