Kids are the Greatest Teachers

I am writing this post with consent from my daughter, Makenna (14). She has already volunteered (she laughed and mumbled “was voluntold”) to do some upcoming demonstration videos with me, so you might as well be introduced now.

I don’t even know where to begin- this chick- the absolute best. She has always operated like an old soul. Independent, confident, and she never had the personality of being the baby (when there were 3).

Barely 4 she said, “I know how to swim now,” our first time out that summer, hadn’t been in a pool since the summer before.

Me: “Ma’am, that’s not how that works.” Guess who showed me? Without a day of swim lessons or even a conversation or demo with one of us, she just did it. (video) https://photos.app.goo.gl/Di3PByELmsoBLMDB9

I struggled with infertility for over a year before I was able to get pregnant with her. I fought hard for her and the scary pregnancy & delivery. I knew she was supposed to be in this world, and I can’t imagine it without her.

A couple of weeks ago we were in the pool, and she said some of the most beautiful words I’ve ever heard her say. Just casually swimming by she announced “I really love myself.” It was both what she said and the way she said it that caught my attention… but a part in my head told me “play this cool and don’t get in your feelings now about it.” Me: “That’s beautiful, Makenna.” She then went on to elaborate on why she said this.

Reflecting on this, I don’t know that there is much else she could say to top this. Self-love is an issue that comes up in therapy for everyone (though some are ready to address it and others aren’t). Some of us roll our eyes because of the way it is portrayed (self-love sounds so cheesy), but it is at the core of your ability to heal and live a good life. It isn’t surface level, self-esteem stuff I am talking about; it is deeper. For teens who love themselves, they are less likely to seek approval and validation from others. They don’t need to drink and have sex to feel good about themselves. They have inner worth and confidence. It’s beautiful.

Makenna is a dancer, and at her recital recently she let everyone know she wanted to get flowers and her preferences. This is one of those details that would not have crossed my mind, and I had no idea this was important to her until she told us. She had multiple bouquets leaving the auditorium. It made me pause. I am 44 and just finding my voice. Just learning it’s okay to have wants and needs and express those. This chick is 14, and she has it figured out. And how much better her day was being upfront about her expectations instead of sulking later because no one read her mind and brought flowers. Brene Brown says, “clear is kind,” and I couldn’t agree more.

I generally have a mom swimsuit that covers all the things, but this summer, after lots of inner child work, I’ve worn a 2 piece at home (my first one in 20 years). Makenna was immediately my hype-girl and so kind. I told her “your confidence is inspiring and made me feel comfortable being me, too.” She sends me snapchat photos she sneaks and takes, “Mom, your legs are amazing in this picture… look.” She is an encourager and a girls’-girl-friend-to-everyone. She made a point to take a photo with every single person on her dance team the last day, with fun, unique poses. I watch people’s faces as she walks up, and classmates (the youngest to the oldest) and even the parents get a look of delight when she is around. She makes people feel good because she feels good inside. Her light is bright and her energy magnetic.

If you have dealt with trauma or are doing parts work, you may have heard the term “reparenting your inner child” come up. Very simplified, it is doing kind nurturing things for yourself/these younger parts to facilitate healing. In a therapy session this may look like “going inside” aka paying attention to what is happening in the brain and body and visualizing or listening to/noticing the younger part. You might ask the part what they need or you might instinctively see a way to nurture that part. Sometimes that is imagining you (self-energy/the person in the room with me) going physically closer to the part. Maybe it is sitting beside them or giving them a hug. Listening. Noticing.

I was recently checking in with my part I call 1999-April. This part is unlike most of my other parts. Impulsive, reckless, selfish, wants to feel good, doesn’t care about consequences, because her motto is IDGAF. — I didn’t say those bad words, the part did. The part is mostly dormant. I thought I had done enough healing that maybe she was integrated, until I figured out she wasn’t. I had to devote the time, over multiple sessions, to really explore the origins and connections to this part. To fully understand. She has every right to feel the way she does based on what she went through. I was never the bad girl, rebellious teen, but there were some moments she got to shine and live her best life. And apparently she wanted to make a guest appearance.

To keep this part out of the driver’s seat, I first had to notice and be curious about what was coming up. When we try to shove parts and feelings down, ignore, and not deal with them, that’s when things get worse. “Sit with” the emotions or body sensations. Let them come up. You will be okay and it will probably only last a matter of seconds. If I have a hard time connecting with them, I add BLS (bilateral stimulation) like tapping on both sides of my body or holding the tappers.

I had one session that was incredibly healing. Her major wound was connected to her dad (that’s so weird to say like I am not talking about me and my dad). I was able to a tiny-bit visualize and then listen to a conversation this part had with her dad. There was a specific episode that happened at 16 when, after deeply sobbing over an awful thing he did, this part flipped a switch and said, “I am done crying these tears and being the adult. He won’t hurt me anymore. I am done feeling this.” In that moment, I learned how to cut off emotional connection. It was a trauma-response skill that served me well, until it didn’t. I’ve recently tried to resurrect this talent, but I am either too healed and/or God isn’t allowing it to be an option. That sucks.

Back to the story- during this healing time, that girl talked to her dad and asked why…”why didn’t you want me?” And I could hear his answer about it never being about her. He was a wreck after the divorce. He was ashamed after the arrest with us in the car and our last goodbye being with bars in between. He didn’t know how to connect. And as more time passed it made it even harder. He said it was never about me. He knows the biggest wound from this is feeling like I will never be enough, and he said that was never the case and apologized and hugged teenage me.

It felt real. It felt like a release.

This may sound insane, plain weird, or not a big deal. There was a lot of other stuff happening during this session that I don’t need to elaborate on right now. I don’t know how to explain to you if you have never done parts work how healing and real these situations are. I have said in another post your brain doesn’t know the difference between real and fantasy (visualizing). You can have conversations in your head with people you will never really have (they may not even be alive), and it can bring such peace. I currently journal to a ghost everyday, and though that sounds crazy, it’s had a big part in keeping me sane (I don’t literally talk to ghosts, I am dramatically saying people from my past).

I am not going to say there was complete healing of the “you will never be enough” core wound, as there are multiple contributors and I’ve done additional work outside of this, but as that session continued I was internally & intuitively led to let go of the pain of being fatherless. I somatically moved this out of body and said I would no longer carry that burden. That was probably 2 months ago, and it’s really gone. I never really thought about my dad/didn’t think it was affecting me, but it was really easy to find examples in the day to day of not being enough. And I would say since then those feelings have rarely, if ever, come back up.

How this session started with that younger part was I just checked in and asked “Is there anything else you need right now? A way I could be better caring for you?” This tough girl immediately softened and said, “You are doing the things. Today, you made us a priority and cared for me in a really beautiful way. You noticed.” And she thanked me for specific things that had happened through the week in which I let her be seen/didn’t prefer to be invisible. She told me she was proud of me for the way I accepted a compliment. It sounds so strange, but just by checking in and doing the small things, the part feels cared for and valued and doesn’t have to light herself or my world on fire to get my attention.

Tying back to Makenna and reparenting, nurturing your inner child through play and creativity is incredibly healing to these parts. I love summer because there is so much more time to be together without all of the added pressure of school. It has been such a season of healing and growth. It wasn’t a beautiful climb up a gently, sloped mountain with a temperature of 70 degrees. It was an abrupt shove off the side of a jagged cliff with tornado blizzards swirling underneath. Maybe some flames shooting up, too.

I’d do the work, feel the things, and one of my prizes was spending time with my kids after. I thought this was my reward, but when I look back now I see it was also an extension of the healing work I was doing. And in a strange way maybe it is not adult-me reparenting this younger part, but it’s my 14 year old daughter who is showing me how incredible life is when you navigate it from self-energy and don’t have a ton of trauma and negative energies stuck in your body? Inner critic wants to come out to let me know this sounds insane, but then another part says: “Don’t listen to that. Girl, you are clearly doing something right for your kids all have these amazing qualities. Keep being you.”

That was a lot. Thanks for reading. Let me know your thoughts or questions.

Makenna (6) and a normal evening doing what she loved to do. Not just feeding one baby, but two at a time. I am glad we caught photo evidence of her reading, because I am not sure I have seen her do it since. :)