Scaffolding

The body and brain are brilliant. I won’t speak to everyone’s experience, but when it comes to healing, for me, it was never like- here is all the bad stuff/now figure it out/okay you’re done. I used to ignore and shove it down until it screamed at me. Now I notice. I get curious. And then what usually happens is a little bit at a time reveals itself. I have to make a choice of what to do with that. It feels like I move forward along a path. I step through a door, and I’m on a new level. I can hang out there all I want, but once I step through the door, it closes behind me. I can’t go back, and I can’t unsee where I am now or what should happen next. And because of God, the universe, and/or my intuition (probably all of them) there is an incredible wisdom in that the healing work is perfectly scaffolded… like if anything else was revealed all at once I might freeze because of overwhelm or have a breakdown.  It would be too much. Impossible. Less of a push or reveal, and I probably would never be curious or discontent enough to move forward. It’s has always been just right, even when I felt like it would break me.

This makes me think about how in teaching I’d look for that sweet spot- and for each babe it was different. How far can I push without breaking them? Operating with a sense of urgency (usually making up for gaps they came to me with, needing to grow them multiple grade levels) I didn’t play it safe with small, incremental steps. I pushed hard.  I layered multiple interventions. I made their next step just outside of their reach & their abilities on their own. Impossible. And at first they didn’t believe in themselves, but my energy was contagious. I didn’t understand what I was doing at the time, but I was putting positive renewing emotions in my heart and then sharing that energy with them. I believe in you. I know you can do it. Now you feel this, too. I was the scaffold to get them there, by showing & supporting and then once they saw they could do it, I could step back and remove myself. 

Sometimes people in therapy are open to and ready for this type of support, and I love these sessions. Sometimes it’s appropriate for me to lead & show you what your next step could be or how to get there, and other times I need to stand back and let you discover it. Sometimes, in the middle of our mess, we are so disoriented or too close to the situation, we can’t see what is right in front of us.

It’s interesting too because real-life me- I can be very transparent and open, but that is titrated. What is the purpose in sharing the information? Who is safe to share it with? A problem for me can be that my body interprets a situation & responds faster than my brain. So though I may not want to talk and may have even rehearsed my silence or limited response, my face will get me in trouble and have me trying to talk myself out of that. I am an internal processor. I love words, but in general I’m not trying to talk it out. My brain moves really fast, and talking through things slows me down. I can get on my own nerves hearing myself talk about something because I’m already 5 steps ahead of that or over it by the time I get the words out. Also, I usually don’t vent or complain about things. I’m not going to say never ever, but it’s rare. It’s not that I shove it down, it’s that I don’t let it affect me to begin with. I can’t stay in that negative frequency. I can’t listen to it from someone else on the regular.

When this spiritual awakening busted my life wide open in early April, it felt completely disorienting. I worked with a couple of therapists starting about 8 weeks in, but that wasn’t my go-to at first, multiple reasons. This experience was so different in many ways, one being that God was pushing me to connect and not stay within myself. 

There was a conversation at the beginning of this time that opened up and illuminated a lot of things I couldn’t see before. It wasn’t the person (pushing an opinion or agenda) rather the conversation was the catalyst- a chance for me to hear myself talking out loud and put pieces together for the first time combined with their perspective that offered wisdom and insight I didn’t have because they have different lived experiences, I was standing too close to it, and maybe my brain wasn’t ready to see it all until that moment. Then once I see, I can’t go back and unsee. 

It was all so overwhelming, and I felt insane. God was revealing plans and next steps, but with no details. A command of- do this thing. Visions of- here are glimpses of your future (so beautiful), but logically it makes zero sense. There was familiarity in that I have always stayed connected to His prompting & I always (figuratively speaking) have a go bag packed. I trust, and I do what He shows me to do. I realize in this situation I kept lamenting “I can’t see it..” because I was being shown the ending of the story, but I wasn’t given anything in between to make it make sense (confusing at the time, but a perfect catalyst to push me to grow in my ability to trust, He showed me later). God often shows me visions into the future. I can see things play out, and then it really happens. I honestly didn’t think much of it and figured everyone can do that. But then this superpower (I wasn’t even aware I rely so heavily on) went completely offline in the middle of the biggest storm. 

I’m not into boats or sailing, but that is what comes to mind. I see this wild, deadly storm and a boat that lost all capabilities. The fancy navigation and all the other gadgets- dead. I am the captain in charge of this ship. I see my kids and their futures (a shadow figure beside them) as passengers on this boat watching me as I try to keep us from sinking. Why aren’t they helping and instead just staring at me all creepy? Why am I in charge and the only one responsible for keeping them safe? I don’t want to do this all on my own. I think they are there to remind me and push me, not letting “give up” be an option, because I didn’t feel strong enough, in that moment, to keep going for just myself. 

God reminds me I’ve never been alone, and he pushes me to connect. I just got finished saying days before I don’t really have friends, but that wasn’t accurate. I don’t have friends in the way social media would have you to believe friendship works. I’m not going to the lake with the girls or doing a weekly brunch. I suck at calling or texting people back and it looks like I don’t care. I fall off the grid on social media then miss the big thing that happened (you didn’t call or text me about, and I was just supposed to see here)… it’s weeks later. Crap. Do I go back and say something now? 

We never really learn how to be friends or communicate, relying on our friendship skills we developed right after we learned how to use the toilet. In that past, I haven’t done a great job being a friend to someone who needs frequent communication. I have 4 kids, a neurodivergent brain, a business to grow… God reminded me in this mess He said not to be conformed by the patterns of this world- give myself grace and understand I do have friends and people who care for me, it just doesn’t look like what it might look like for everyone else. He then shows me all of the people who have had my back in so many ways. That was really beautiful to reflect on.

I prayed about what this time needed to look like for me. My closest friend from college came to mind. I sent a text. Abbreviated, the message was: blowing up my life right now, not a crisis, I need you- your history and knowledge of me (perspective), your lived experiences, and the real talk you will have with me. This will be a lot. Also, no idea what you have going on so please don’t feel obligated to step in my mess with me. I feel led to ask, but I will be okay if it isn’t a good time for you. 

I will get tears in my eyes pretty easily, but I am not a crier. Her voice memo back got me. Gratitude and praise in that moment, “Thank you God for seeing and loving me and using this connection to demonstrate that.” 

Fear is a new experience for me. Lots of fear through childhood, but once I became an adult and could control the narrative, fear went and sat the f down. 

She’s back…. 

The amount of journaling, EMDR, ART (accelerated resolution therapy), parts work, and Brainspotting I’ve done around this the past 3 months… I’m sure equates to a full time job. 

I like to be at the end of story and say “ta da” here is how that worked out. God revealed to me I’m not supposed to wait for this or present from that posture, but rather we are doing some breaking news, live-at-the-scene-broadcasts in the middle of this mess. 

As my bestie, I let Him know He is doing too much. He lets me know I’m getting on his nerves with my opinions and pushback, but I’m still loved. I feel bad for my doubts and fears and the way I challenge what He is asking and how I ask too many questions and appear to retain the lessons I learn as well as Dory. Then in His kindness and compassion, He shows me that all of this is actually a beautiful thing in that it demonstrates the depth of the connection we have. It isn’t disobedience, it’s the one relationship I am safe to do this in. I am then reminded of what He told me when it first fell apart, and I was apologizing for my immaturity and the “nos” and “I don’t want tos” I was putting out there a few days earlier to everything hard He was asking me to do. 

4.13.25 God- “Where you see immaturity, I see safety. Think about a small child and their resistance to a parent. Attachment. You felt safe enough to whine and complain from a hurt, raw place. It demonstrates your love for me and the safety you feel in this relationship. I’ll never leave you. You don’t have to be perfect or always have it together. And you never had a relationship with a parent or anyone else in which you could do this.”

I’ll do a separate post about fear as this is getting too long, but to end this writing my brain goes to the feelings I had when saying goodbye to my friend who came and sat with me for half a day and let me say all the things. 

I can’t begin to describe how helpful having her perspective was. She pointed out things I couldn’t see at the time, like my need for control and understanding why,

Part- I’m so type B- what… me…. control? I don’t need control. Control isn’t even real, but rather an illusion. 

Oh trauma background: control = safety. She’s right. I didn’t see it. Then friend points out a bunch of examples over 24 years. My brain loves evidence. 

She also challenged me- here is what living out your faith has looked like (from her perspective). Show me a time you didn’t trust and listen to God. Oh, you can’t. So why are you trying to not trust Him now? 

“Because this is insane. I feel insane. Did I make this all up? I can’t make it make sense. My actions affect other people. My whole world is getting turned upside down. I didn’t see this coming. I don’t know where it is going. I’m not in charge. I’m so confused. It’s messy.”

My friend left after 5 hours that flew by like 5 minutes, giving me a big hug, then kissing my face and saying “I love you.”

Me: “Thank you for sitting with me in this today. I’m a mess.”

Friend: “Messy April is my favorite one. Welcome to the real f-ing world. About time.”

Here is messy me for anyone else who thought my life looks so good or that I really have it all together. We are all a mess…but we don’t have to stay there. 3 months later I’m glad I documented this time, because I’m not that girl. She’s already a memory. A part of me to love on & show compassion to just like my friend did that day (and a handful more have done since). Even the fear part I wrote about throughout but haven’t published here yet- the last 3 months, suffocating me. 10 days ago, released. The freedom and peace have been incredible. You can let go, too. Not shove, distract, or ignore. Release. Thank you for reading.